Today was intense.
Left for Dr. Estevez appointment (my neurologist) at 8:00 a.m. I felt so nervous. I trust him, but it's so hard to go to appointments. There is so much noise, lights, talking, questions, thinking and deciding. I brought my husband because it's too hard to go alone anymore. My brain overloads and I don't understand or remember.
Today was no different. Sunglasses on for the crazy bright lights. I move us to sitting in "my chair" in the waiting room. It's the chair with the least amount of noise I discovered some time ago. While in the exam room for 45 minutes before doc showed up, I reviewed my notes and questions. It seemed like the more I reviewed the more confused and nervous I got. Finally I gave up. I was so exhausted that I had to lay on the table in the dark with my eyes closed ---- and the appointment hadn't started yet.
I want to write more about what happened today but I can't. My brain is fried. I'm nauseated, in pain and tired, but not sleepy. Oh dear, this brain is really something. What seems most important from today is how Dr. E stressed that I can get better, it's just about finding the right combination of treatments and maintaining hope. He said this when he came back in the room to find me in tears in my husband's lap drenching his shirt. I wasn't crying from sadness but from exhaustion. When my brain hits overload from talking and thinking I often end up wailing. Terry explained to Dr E what was happening as I think he thought I was sad. Not to say this isn't sad or scary or maddening at times, but if I get angry or short tempered or cry, it's probably unrelated to what's happening and more related to the fact that my brain is overloaded. This is hard for me and everyone around me, but it is just reality. I learn to manage more each day.
Managing. Accepting. Having hope and being realistic. Seems to be all I can do. Onward.....
Left for Dr. Estevez appointment (my neurologist) at 8:00 a.m. I felt so nervous. I trust him, but it's so hard to go to appointments. There is so much noise, lights, talking, questions, thinking and deciding. I brought my husband because it's too hard to go alone anymore. My brain overloads and I don't understand or remember.
Today was no different. Sunglasses on for the crazy bright lights. I move us to sitting in "my chair" in the waiting room. It's the chair with the least amount of noise I discovered some time ago. While in the exam room for 45 minutes before doc showed up, I reviewed my notes and questions. It seemed like the more I reviewed the more confused and nervous I got. Finally I gave up. I was so exhausted that I had to lay on the table in the dark with my eyes closed ---- and the appointment hadn't started yet.
I want to write more about what happened today but I can't. My brain is fried. I'm nauseated, in pain and tired, but not sleepy. Oh dear, this brain is really something. What seems most important from today is how Dr. E stressed that I can get better, it's just about finding the right combination of treatments and maintaining hope. He said this when he came back in the room to find me in tears in my husband's lap drenching his shirt. I wasn't crying from sadness but from exhaustion. When my brain hits overload from talking and thinking I often end up wailing. Terry explained to Dr E what was happening as I think he thought I was sad. Not to say this isn't sad or scary or maddening at times, but if I get angry or short tempered or cry, it's probably unrelated to what's happening and more related to the fact that my brain is overloaded. This is hard for me and everyone around me, but it is just reality. I learn to manage more each day.
Managing. Accepting. Having hope and being realistic. Seems to be all I can do. Onward.....
No comments:
Post a Comment