For some time now a blog post has been "brewing." I'm not sure it's fully steeped, but now is as good a time as any.
So many people have asked me to share what has made such a difference in my healing. I think what they really want to say is, "What in the world has brought you back from such a dark and sick state?" I guess asking me to share is a mild understatement. From family, to friends, to doctors and other practitioners, they have been pleading with me to write my story. I'd like to think there is a book somewhere that will (in time) come into fruition.
I'll start off by saying it's hard to put into words and explain. Partially because my memory has been greatly impacted by years of illness, and mostly because the last year is frankly just a blur. But really, I think the main reason it is hard to write about is that the transformation is huge and it involves being present in what is now. I'm not spending much time lamenting and re-hashing other than what is needed to heal old patterns. I do see the value in digging around in the ole' noggin a bit to try and find what tidbits I can, as I know others really are interested in this seemingly miraculous healing.
My first step was nearly dying. Step two was deciding that somehow I needed to figure out how to live. Step three was borrowing faith in myself from others who believed in my ability to heal as I had lost that belief. Step four was submitting myself whole heartedly to the process without white knuckling the steering wheel. Step five is just being joyfully alive.
Last Spring I knew that somehow what I had been doing wasn't working. I didn't know what to do though, and I was terrified. I felt like I was completely lifeless and in a dark tunnel. I wanted someone or something to fix me. I had this incredible community of friends, family and practitioners desperately wanting me to be well and I wanted to, for them. But I hadn't a clue how to make it happen. To start, I borrowed their belief in me. I didn't have faith in myself anymore, but they did and that seemed to count for something. I also borrowed the strength and will to live from two women I had met at a healing retreat a few years prior. They were both coming into health, back from metastatic cancer diagnoses. They were so deeply inspiring. I wanted to have the will to live like they did.
I didn't have the belief in myself or the belief that I could live and be healthy again, but others did. And I saw others doing it. So for a short time this was what I had, and I used it to springboard me into the next chapter.
The next chapter was attending the Shan Ren Dao healing retreat. How to summarize what happened there seems impossible at the moment. Possibly because I am extremely tired. But more likely, it is because it is, and has been very hard for me to explain. What I will say is that I fully opened myself to the healing process and made a pact with myself that I would give it all I had. Or more correctly, I would get out of the way and allow what was to happen to happen. And I worked hard too. Very hard, but I guess that "work" was more just keeping my habitual patterns from steering myself into a ditch.
The time at the retreat cleared out so much clutter from my heart and head. It was an opportunity to release many negative habitual patterns so I could see the light shining that was me, that has always been me. That is really the crux of the lessons I gained there. That no matter how dark the clouds of life may feel, the only reason we can see them is because of the incredibly bright light that shines. And that light is us. The sticky cloud layers, and our resistance and coping mechanisms lay the foundation for illness. By looking at the clues the body gives we can trace it back to certain patterns that no longer serve us. When we change the internal terrain, the illness no longer has the food to continue to live and thrive. I know this sounds terribly woo woo, but really it's quite effective. It allows one to stop blaming others and situations for one's misery and instead be fully accountable and capable. Capable to change patterns and to heal.
After the retreat I was terrified that I would slip back into my negative self-coping patterns and the Autoimmune Encephalitis would flare again. I knew this fear was an old sticky cloud layer, but goodness it felt real. Once again, I borrowed others' faith in me and kept moving forward. I set the clear intention to pace myself, to listen to my body, to replenish and restore. I went about my life, owning my mistakes and making amends. I also was gentle with my expectations and didn't try to do everything "perfect." I just did the best I could.
I began to add in other supports that naturally seemed to be showing themselves to me. There are so many, but I'll touch on what I can remember. Reading inspirational cards, daily meditation book, a gratitude journal, gentle yoga and qigong, chanting, being by the water, trauma releases exercises, art, cooking and eating well, daily walks and bike rides, hiking, mindfulness meditations, applying the principles of quantum physics and the placebo effect, reading inspirational healing books, prayer, listening to my inner knowing, gentleness, forgiveness, and lots of laughing. Added to the mix were Chinese/Japanese medicine, the principles of Ayurveda, returning to the study of Vedanta, massage, essential oils, craniosacral therapy, psychotherapy and high CBD medical marijuana as well as a few remaining medications and herbs. I was doing what I could to change the internal terrain in my body and encourage healing in my brain due to neuroplasticity.
It seemed the more life giving practices I added in, the more resilience and joy for life I had. A phrase in a meditation that I couldn't understand now was easy. "The joy to be alive" was within me and there to access. FINALLY.
Now I don't see myself as sick, as ill. I identity with what is right, with being whole, with being well. I see myself as radiantly healthy and feel in my body what that feels like. I know in truth that healing is still happening, the symptoms are not gone (although they are amazingly manageable). I am not lamenting the past or fretting about the future. I am living in the now as much as possible. Now is full of love, gratitude, joy and light. It is me. The clouds that come, the pain that may be there, whatever it is, it just is. It doesn't contain or define me. I contain it. And if I include it in my awareness, in my breath, and not lock horns in battle with it, then secondary suffering doesn't ensue. The tough stuff bubbles up and somehow whatever is needed to help me move through it, it also bubbles up.
Now my days are spent on the floor watching the wonder of an 18 month old stacking boxes. Riding by the river in awe of the falling leaves, and my ability to somehow pedal my bicycle. I take immense joy in smiling at neighbors, talking to friends and family, feeling the earth beneath my feet or the sand in my toes. Food is incredible - growing it, picking it, cooking it and being able to eat and digest it. The sound of music in my ears is a miracle, which makes going to an indoor concert venue feel like Mt. Everest. Movies are fun as is staying up late. Climbing mountains are even better. Sometimes the "mountain" is a metaphorical one, such as Mt. Joe (aka Trader Joe's). Or the sheer joy of returning to my old workplace (now as a volunteer). I flew home to Maryland and Delaware for the first time in 5 years and had an amazing journey visiting family and blasts from the past both in the form of places and people.
My neurologist says the medical treatments worked to a point, but what has kept me from relapse and is healing my brain is the copious amount of additional practices I have added in. (He pleaded me to share this with others.) I no longer look to anyone else to heal me, as I know my body (which is non-separate from this incredible universe) is fully capable of doing it. I believe in myself again. I know that all is and will be well. I know that I can access what is needed to move through the next step, and the next step.
It's been quite a journey, and continues to be. All that is required is that I show up. I show up with gratitude, with reverence, with patience, with trust, and with tons of compassion.
So many people have asked me to share what has made such a difference in my healing. I think what they really want to say is, "What in the world has brought you back from such a dark and sick state?" I guess asking me to share is a mild understatement. From family, to friends, to doctors and other practitioners, they have been pleading with me to write my story. I'd like to think there is a book somewhere that will (in time) come into fruition.
I'll start off by saying it's hard to put into words and explain. Partially because my memory has been greatly impacted by years of illness, and mostly because the last year is frankly just a blur. But really, I think the main reason it is hard to write about is that the transformation is huge and it involves being present in what is now. I'm not spending much time lamenting and re-hashing other than what is needed to heal old patterns. I do see the value in digging around in the ole' noggin a bit to try and find what tidbits I can, as I know others really are interested in this seemingly miraculous healing.
My first step was nearly dying. Step two was deciding that somehow I needed to figure out how to live. Step three was borrowing faith in myself from others who believed in my ability to heal as I had lost that belief. Step four was submitting myself whole heartedly to the process without white knuckling the steering wheel. Step five is just being joyfully alive.
Last Spring I knew that somehow what I had been doing wasn't working. I didn't know what to do though, and I was terrified. I felt like I was completely lifeless and in a dark tunnel. I wanted someone or something to fix me. I had this incredible community of friends, family and practitioners desperately wanting me to be well and I wanted to, for them. But I hadn't a clue how to make it happen. To start, I borrowed their belief in me. I didn't have faith in myself anymore, but they did and that seemed to count for something. I also borrowed the strength and will to live from two women I had met at a healing retreat a few years prior. They were both coming into health, back from metastatic cancer diagnoses. They were so deeply inspiring. I wanted to have the will to live like they did.
I didn't have the belief in myself or the belief that I could live and be healthy again, but others did. And I saw others doing it. So for a short time this was what I had, and I used it to springboard me into the next chapter.
The next chapter was attending the Shan Ren Dao healing retreat. How to summarize what happened there seems impossible at the moment. Possibly because I am extremely tired. But more likely, it is because it is, and has been very hard for me to explain. What I will say is that I fully opened myself to the healing process and made a pact with myself that I would give it all I had. Or more correctly, I would get out of the way and allow what was to happen to happen. And I worked hard too. Very hard, but I guess that "work" was more just keeping my habitual patterns from steering myself into a ditch.
The time at the retreat cleared out so much clutter from my heart and head. It was an opportunity to release many negative habitual patterns so I could see the light shining that was me, that has always been me. That is really the crux of the lessons I gained there. That no matter how dark the clouds of life may feel, the only reason we can see them is because of the incredibly bright light that shines. And that light is us. The sticky cloud layers, and our resistance and coping mechanisms lay the foundation for illness. By looking at the clues the body gives we can trace it back to certain patterns that no longer serve us. When we change the internal terrain, the illness no longer has the food to continue to live and thrive. I know this sounds terribly woo woo, but really it's quite effective. It allows one to stop blaming others and situations for one's misery and instead be fully accountable and capable. Capable to change patterns and to heal.
After the retreat I was terrified that I would slip back into my negative self-coping patterns and the Autoimmune Encephalitis would flare again. I knew this fear was an old sticky cloud layer, but goodness it felt real. Once again, I borrowed others' faith in me and kept moving forward. I set the clear intention to pace myself, to listen to my body, to replenish and restore. I went about my life, owning my mistakes and making amends. I also was gentle with my expectations and didn't try to do everything "perfect." I just did the best I could.
I began to add in other supports that naturally seemed to be showing themselves to me. There are so many, but I'll touch on what I can remember. Reading inspirational cards, daily meditation book, a gratitude journal, gentle yoga and qigong, chanting, being by the water, trauma releases exercises, art, cooking and eating well, daily walks and bike rides, hiking, mindfulness meditations, applying the principles of quantum physics and the placebo effect, reading inspirational healing books, prayer, listening to my inner knowing, gentleness, forgiveness, and lots of laughing. Added to the mix were Chinese/Japanese medicine, the principles of Ayurveda, returning to the study of Vedanta, massage, essential oils, craniosacral therapy, psychotherapy and high CBD medical marijuana as well as a few remaining medications and herbs. I was doing what I could to change the internal terrain in my body and encourage healing in my brain due to neuroplasticity.
It seemed the more life giving practices I added in, the more resilience and joy for life I had. A phrase in a meditation that I couldn't understand now was easy. "The joy to be alive" was within me and there to access. FINALLY.
Now I don't see myself as sick, as ill. I identity with what is right, with being whole, with being well. I see myself as radiantly healthy and feel in my body what that feels like. I know in truth that healing is still happening, the symptoms are not gone (although they are amazingly manageable). I am not lamenting the past or fretting about the future. I am living in the now as much as possible. Now is full of love, gratitude, joy and light. It is me. The clouds that come, the pain that may be there, whatever it is, it just is. It doesn't contain or define me. I contain it. And if I include it in my awareness, in my breath, and not lock horns in battle with it, then secondary suffering doesn't ensue. The tough stuff bubbles up and somehow whatever is needed to help me move through it, it also bubbles up.
Now my days are spent on the floor watching the wonder of an 18 month old stacking boxes. Riding by the river in awe of the falling leaves, and my ability to somehow pedal my bicycle. I take immense joy in smiling at neighbors, talking to friends and family, feeling the earth beneath my feet or the sand in my toes. Food is incredible - growing it, picking it, cooking it and being able to eat and digest it. The sound of music in my ears is a miracle, which makes going to an indoor concert venue feel like Mt. Everest. Movies are fun as is staying up late. Climbing mountains are even better. Sometimes the "mountain" is a metaphorical one, such as Mt. Joe (aka Trader Joe's). Or the sheer joy of returning to my old workplace (now as a volunteer). I flew home to Maryland and Delaware for the first time in 5 years and had an amazing journey visiting family and blasts from the past both in the form of places and people.
My neurologist says the medical treatments worked to a point, but what has kept me from relapse and is healing my brain is the copious amount of additional practices I have added in. (He pleaded me to share this with others.) I no longer look to anyone else to heal me, as I know my body (which is non-separate from this incredible universe) is fully capable of doing it. I believe in myself again. I know that all is and will be well. I know that I can access what is needed to move through the next step, and the next step.
It's been quite a journey, and continues to be. All that is required is that I show up. I show up with gratitude, with reverence, with patience, with trust, and with tons of compassion.
